What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Who is the most annoying character in the Office?

When she asked me how she looked .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

When a narcissist mad at their new supply, do they take it out on the old supply?

I will be 64.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Culpa maxime qui ut ut aut in.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Why do some people believe that Homelander would be no match for Superman or Thor?

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I don,t even have a pension.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Are miracles real or do they just have natural explanations?

This is soul school!.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Do women really cheat more than men?

It was going to be , some day.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

What if the girl says that drama about you dating here? Is that a bad sign?

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Would this be the day?

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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He resisted the act ,that day.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Ive learnt so much.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I couldn’t, believe it.

So, i spoilt her more .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

We were not on the streets..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Why did i forgive my father ?

I write beautiful poetry .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She married twice! .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

My mum and dad in the seventies!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He knew the spot.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

She wouldn,t have been !

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But it wasn’t much.

She was in good health!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was 9 years of age.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Put me off passion for life!!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My family never makes their pension either.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

All the time i was locked up.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Especially a lifetime of it.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

She loved him until the end.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I could never make a relationship work though!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

And i lived it daily.

I waited trembling.

I was very sick at this time too.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

What did i know ?

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Who then, do I blame.?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

(And it was in our own minds.)

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I think the readers, may guess!

Was to survive, this bastard.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

So whats the point in blame.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She found it foreign!.

One cannot live in the past .

I was seconnd youngest,

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I was scared of men, in general

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I never cut or harmed myself..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Comes on , in middle age.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

My life is so biszare .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But, we were locked up after school.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I have no regrets .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I said to her

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Im still living with it.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

We all went to grammer schools

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.